DUM COACH

I'll check and see if your E mail came in. The last time I checked was 4/16. Had you replied by then?

Anyway, in regards to parent handouts, I'm more interest in approaching "problem avoidance" versus "problem resolution". Rather than have a system of resolving problems, I prefer a system that simply doesn't have any problems so that there's nothing for me to resolve. The areas I want to resolve in advance are 1) Getting your child to the game and 2) What do you do after you get your child there 3) The child's play time 4) Medical backgrounds.

Getting your child to the game creates a problem for me when 1) He's late or 2) He doesn't show up at all. I inform parents that I assign player positions before the game. If you're not there when the positions are handed out, you don't have a position. It's that simple. So have him there on time or prepare to pay me bribe money/free sex or whatever to put him in. I tell my parents to have their kids there one hour early. About 20% do so. By 20 minutes after, about 50% have shown, and by 40 minutes after 95% have shown. It seems there are always two players (5%) who show up with 5 minutes to go to kickoff. They can expect to be singled out for reduced play time.

Parents should be reminded to check their kids for equipment before leaving home for the game. It seems I cannot go a season without someone forgetting his helmet or mouthpiece on gameday. I state that it is the parent's responsibility and not the player's to come with full equipment. If you pay for the rent of it for a season, you might as well get the use of it.

There are other forms of "not showing up". Kids go visit "grandma" and for some mystical reason, kids go elk hunting with dad but only dad has a rifle. Parents are notified we are a team and we play as a team. If we are in contention for the playoffs, I expect the player to be at the game - Not with grandma and not sitting at a campfire while dad hunts elk. If we're out of the playoffs, go ahead and go. It's probably because your kid was so stinking lousy that I didn't make playoffs anyway. Sometimes parents keep "Jr." out of a game for disciplinary reasons. Sometimes he's gotten bad grades. Sometimes he got his sister pregnant. Maybe he ran grandma over with mom's stolen car, or accidentally shot dad at the campfire fifty-seven times in the back. I don't care. Bail him out of jail and bring him to the game. Discipline your kid on your time - Not mine. We practice as a team and we play as a team. Then there's "flu season". "Jr." is puking his guts out. I don't care. Bring him to the game. If he's upchucking he's no longer contagious. We'll see if he can play when he gets here. We practice as a team, we play as a team - And if we're going to lose, it's going to be by a team effort and not because somebody wasn't there.

Moving on to "What do you do after you get your child to the game". Answer: You show up sober and you watch. If I detect alcohol, I'm calling the cops. Do not harrass the refs over their calls. I've never seen a ref reverse his call on a parent's say so. But I have seen refs think that I am personally responsible for everything you as a parent say or do. So pretend I do and keep your mouth shut to the refs. It will be your boy I pull from the game if you don't. In fact, it will be him that I send over to tell you to keep your mouth shut. You can, however, talk to your boy during the game, if he's on the sideline. You can talk about grandma. You can talk about his pregnant sister. But you can't tell him how to play his position. I do that. You do not have to wait until AFTER a game to talk to me. You can talk to me during the game. As long as I'm not talking to someone else, you can interrupt, so long as you're going to talk to me about the game on the field. That's talking football. Do not talk to me about your kid on the bench. That's not football. If you think your kid should be out there, tell your kid to come tell me. I'll either send him in or I won't. If I don't, he'll tell you why. If you don't like his answer, we'll talk after the game and in front of your boy.

That brings us to child's play time: The league rules on play time are xxx. I obey the rules. However, coaching a football game and coaching substitutions are two different things. When I'm ahead 60-0, it's easy for me to make substitutions. When I'm behind 0-60, it's easy for me to make substitutions. But when the score is 6-6, I'm not thinking substitutions. I'm coaching football. If you think I'm breaking the rules, send your kid over to tell me. I obey the rules but sometimes I need reminding. If your kid does not play both sides of the ball, in general, my policy is to begin letting players who only play offense to get defensive playing time when I'm 14 points ahead. So watch the scoreboard and send me your kid when my policy applies to him. But send your kid to me and not you. I don't deal with player's agents.

Medical histories: Please let me know of any medical conditions your child has that may occur during a game or practice. Examples include asthma, poor vision, bad hearing, impaired reflexes, or attention or anger management disorders. None of these effect your child's play time but I can coach around physical problems I'm aware of much better than physical problems I'm not aware of. If you think I might have difficulty in teaching your child plays and that you might be able to do better at instructing him, I will teach you his plays and you can teach them to your child. This has worked well in the past. I had one player who couldn't learn any of his plays after two weeks. So his father simply quizzed him at the dinner table on what he does on what call, and he learned them all in three nights. Otherwise, we do not hand out our plays unless asked for them.

Practice schedule: Practice begins at xx. If you will have problems getting your child to practice at that time, please raise your hand and tell us where you live. Another parent here may live nearby who can give your child a ride to practice. You can repay that parent by picking up his/her child after practice as well as your own.

In the event you forget to pick up your child, he will not be left here unattended. I do not leave the field until all children have been picked up. I will wait 1/2 hour for your arrival. After that, I will take your child home for you. So, if you arrive 35 minutes late, and he's not here, you know where he is.

All players are encouraged to ride bicycles to practice. I've never had a kid ride a bicycle yet to practice who didn't start. Players who ride bicycles are released before dusk to head home so that they are not riding in the dark.

Competing sports: Some of you will have children engaging in dual sports along with football, such as hockey and soccer. I have no objection so long as he knows he's playing for my team on gameday.

If you think your child is not keeping up, skillwise, with the other kids and you would like to see him improve at a faster rate in order to catch up, simply come see me and I'll share my ideas with you on how to accomplish that.